An Idiot Abroad’s guide to MLS – Part 1, Western Conference

The FIFA ‘Handshake for Peace’ party is in full swing and couples are gliding around the dancefloor to New Order’s “World in Motion”. Two lonely souls exchange wary glances from opposite corners of this crowded room; their mutual curiosity almost tangibly entangled. One takes a final swig of pimms and strides unsteadily towards the other…

“I say. Surely no kingdom would in good conscience allow such a captivating light to leave their skies so dark. May I be so honoured as to learn your name?”

“I’m… I’m…” The words hang in the air with unresolved suspense. I impatiently descend upon them from the rafters and intervene.

“This, my bravado fuelled but slightly pretentious friend, is none other than MLS. And I’m here to give you the lowdown on its Western Conference. There’s only one way to beat them. Get round the back”, I offer smugly, synchronising with the recorded voice of John Barnes. I hand him a scroll entitled ‘An Idiot Abroad’s Guide to MLS Clubs’.

After a long pause comes forth the confused suitor’s retort,

“Sorry old chap, but what the crivens am I looking at?” My reply shook him to the core.

“You’re looking at the masterplan.”

So that’s the legend. Now let’s look at the scroll itself. I’ve listed players that I haven’t hesitated in putting on my watchlist and dug into some of the tried and trusted performers to help give you a solid foundation from the get-go. Of course more will come to our collective attentions as the season unfolds, and our player loyalties will diverge as we all find our own favourites and uncover the new batch of cheap gems. That of course is most of the fun.

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CHIVAS
Stadium – StubHub Center
Capacity – 27,000
Head Coach – Wilmer Cabrera
Mascot – ChivaFighter
2013 – Overall 18th
Rival LA – Galaxy
Watchlist – Kennedy(G), Bocanegra(D), Alvarez(M), McNamara(M), Rosales(M), Torres(F)

The Goats owe much of their identity to Mexican parent club, Chivas de Guadalajara. Despite some initial success after its inaugural season in 2005, the club have recently become regular basement battlers. But in Dan Kennedy, Carlos Bocanegra, Erick Torres and new acquisition Mauro Rosales, the team now has a competitive spine to build round and every reason to feel optimistic about improving on recent disappointments.

When Rosales plays, he usually comes up with the goods but is prone to suffering from premature substitution; seemingly hauled off around the 65 minute mark in every game for Seattle. However, early pre-season performances indicate he’s settling into his new life quickly with Los Rojiblancos and may be leaned on more heavily by Wilmer Cabrera. Also noteworthy is that when Chivas score, it’s usually through Torres (…and he didn’t cost £50m). So while you probably won’t be rushing out to fill your fantasy team with Chivas players, these four hold plenty of appeal; particularly should any DGW’s roll into town.

Update: News of Chivas USA being bought out by the league itself and potentially rebranded by a new owner has, like an angry mechanic on a bouncy castle, thrown more than a few spanners into this part of the article. Don’t worry though, the players mentioned above are unlikely to be affected (in fantasy terms). Big changes to the club could come in a few days… or a few months. Who knows. They don’t. Anyway, let’s raise our tequilas to the prospect of LA Galaxy’s newest rivals, FC Hollywood Stars…

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COLORADO RAPIDS
Stadium – Dick’s Sporting Goods Park
Capacity – 17,424
Head Coach – (Vacant)
Mascots – (brace yourselves…) Edson the Eagle, Marco Van Bison, Jorge El Mapache, Franz the Fox.
2013 – Overall 8th
Rival – Real Salt Lake
Watchlist – Irwin(G), Klute(D), Moor(D), Powers(M), Sturgis(M), Brown(F)

The Rapids’ illustrious alumni boasts Chris Woods and Roy Wegerle. This season should see their current crop, bursting to the brim with youthful potential, build on a highly promising 2013 and continue their…. rapid progress.

Clint Irwin’s the kind of highly dependable keeper and sure starter that you can leave in your squad for practically the whole season. Bonus point magnets Chris Klute and Drew Moor were superbly consistent performers and most of us will likely have one of these defenders in our team. Under many people’s radar at the start was attacking midfield dynamo Dillon Powers (pictured) who, by virtue of 5 goals and 6 assists, claimed the prestigious Rookie of the Year award.

Their stadium, Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, should not be confused with Barry’s Licenced Medical Supply Goods Yard which operates just round the corner. Abbreviated to ‘DSG’, it’s a lucky escape for their marketing department that this plucky entrepreneur didn’t call his company “Dick’s Sporting Leisure”. (Editor: Bry, keep it family-orientated…)

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FC DALLAS
Stadium – Toyota Stadium
Capacity – 20,500
Head Coach – Oscar Pareja
Mascot – Tex Hooper
2013 – Overall 15th
Rivals – Chicago Fire, Columbus Crew, Houston Dynamo
Watchlist Fernandez(G), George(D), Hedges(D), Michel(D), Castillo(M), Perez(F)

Continuing the theme of amusing stadium names, their home’s previous incarnation was Pizza Hut Park. New gaffer Oscar Pareja will be hoping for the odd slice of good luck and improved delivery. *hi-fives Tex Hooper*

One of only a handful of non-soccer playing MLS franchises, Football Club Dallas had a frustrating Jekyll & Hyde 2013 campaign. However, one constant throughout was Matt Hedges who strung together a succession of solid performances. Second only to the behemoth Aurélien Collin in Clearances, Blocks and Interceptions, he’s a reliable source of bonus points. I’m somewhat reluctant to discuss the inury-prone George John until Pareja signs the other two Beatles. Pull your finger out, Paul Ringo; it’s a World Cup year for crying out loud.

If the Hoops can recapture their best form and get Hedges’ more attack-minded defensive colleague Michel Garbini back on song, they’ll have some hope. Some.

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LA GALAXY
Stadium – Bruce Arena
Capacity – 27,000
Head Coach – StubHub Center
Mascot – Cozmo
2013 – Overall 5th
Rivals – San Jose Earthquakes, Chivas USA
Watchlist – Penedo(G), Dunivant(D), Gonzales(D), Donovan(M), Sarvas(M), Zardes(M), Keane(F)

You know an MLS club is rich when they have a third kit and a second team. Los Galácticos’ Club captain Robbie Keane and sidekick Landon Donovan (pictured) have an almost telepathic understanding that makes them Galaxy’s twin stars. As MLS’ equivalent of Luis Suarez and Eden Hazard, the dilemma facing us is that we probably can’t afford to buy both; and yet we probably can’t afford not to. They do miss a few games due to international call ups, so that’s something we’ll all have to keep an eye on. This is where MLS differs massively from our normal FPL. They don’t miss a beat in MLS, carrying on regardless with fixtures. Your star guy goes off on international duty? Tough luck, they play on without him!

With full-back Sean Franklin taking the posterior-numbing 39 hour drive east to Washington DC, Omar Gonzalez is left as LA’s standout defensive option; but at $10m, you may decide there’s better value to be had in other teams. If you want cheaper coverage (though expensive in GK terms), you could do worse than Panamanian Jaime Penedo, who ousted no less than former Chelsea goalie Carlo Cudicini last year and looks set to be Arena’s no.1 for this season. Best to leave this one to the last minute as he’s nursing a pre-season injury. Brucie’s confident though; “He’s going to be fine over the next couple of weeks. He’s ready to go.” (source: lagalaxy.com) He absolutely didn’t go on to say, “By the way. Bruce Arena’s MY name, not the venue’s you idiot.”

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PORTLAND TIMBERS
Stadium – Providence Park
Capacity – 20,438
Head Coach – Caleb Porter
Mascot – Timber Joey
2013 Overall – 3rd (Western Conference champs)
Rivals – Seattle Sounders, Vancouver Whitecaps
Watchlist – Ricketts(G), Pa Kah(D), W. Johnson(M), Harrington(D), Nagbe(M), Valeri(M), Wallace(M), Fernandez(F)

When the Timbers score, a lumberjack chainsaws off a huge disc of wood from a giant log. I’m. Actually. Serious. This is a dangerous precedent. Can you imagine Arsenal setting off a cannon after each goal; or Aston Villa letting loose hordes of blokes dressed up as Hannibal Lector and Darth Vader? Mind you… if you like sweets, Goodison Park would be fun.

Oh yeah, sorry. Portland are, like… really good. It’s hard to go wrong with any of the Portland starters, but 2013 saw stellar performances from busy bee Diego Valeri. His 13 assists were unrivalled across MLS, and was the team’s top scorer to boot! He chips in with free-kicks, corners and penalties. He gets everywhere. … I even caught the little fella cleaning my windows yesterday.

Team captain Will Johnson, chiming in with 9 goals and 5 assists, is another who rarely disappoints. If you’re willing to splash out on quality between the sticks, look no further than reigning MLS Goalkeeper of the year Donovan Ricketts (pictured).

Finally a big shout out to Rodney ‘stop asking me if I played for Southampton’ Wallace. This OOP attacking winger was a manager fave last season due to him being listed as a defender! The Paul Warhurst of MLS is ‘only’ classed as a midfielder this term, so while not the bargain he once was, Rodders still offers added value.

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REAL SALT LAKE
Stadium – Rio Tinto Stadium
Capacity – 20,213
Head Coach – Jeff Cassar
Mascot – Leo the Lion
2013 – Overall 4th
Rival – Colorado Rapids
Watchlist – Rimando(G), Borchers(D), Schuler(D), Beckerman(M), Morales(M), Saborio(F)

If there was a Superdraft for creative mascot names, Leo the Lion certainly didn’t attend. Maybe he knew Colorado’s ridiculously monikered quartet would monopolise proceedings. Never mind, Leo; I know who I’d back in a dust-up between you and Franz the Fox.

RSL boast impressive defensive options, particularly in Nick Rimando, Nat Borchers and Chris Schuler. The lattermost of whom enjoyed a fantastic finale, clocking up generous bonus hauls and chipping in with two goals. If he begins 2014 in a similar fashion, he could be a game changing inclusion in your team. It would be remiss of me not to mention Javier ‘Midfield Maestro’ Morales, who was a key factor in easing the Royals to within a hair’s breadth of clinching the Western Conference. He’s the absolute epitome of ‘consistency’.

Up front, Costa Rica’s main man Álvaro Saborío (pictured) has scored goals everywhere he’s gone. RSL fans have been witness to an exceptional 52 goals in 87 games.

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SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES
Stadium – Buck Shaw Stadium
Capacity – 10,525
Head Coach – Mark Watson
Mascot – Q (!!??)
2013 – Overall 10th
Rivals  – LA Galaxy, Seattle Sounders
Watchlist – Cronin(M), Wondolowski(F) and ummm…..

Legends that have blessed San Jose with their presence down the years include Richard Gough, Darren Huckerby and George Best. One of them scored perhaps the greatest goal ever to have graced American soccer. I’ll leave you to guess who.

The Earthquakes didn’t shake many trees last campaign, as the defending Western Conference champions stumbled home in 6th (10th overall). Just as disappointing for MLS Fantasy managers was the drop in goal machine Chris Wondolowski’s output, who often seemed to be more Chris ‘Wander off-ski'(pictured). Touted as a must-have at the start of last season, he was soon cast aside as a fantasy flop. Don’t write him off, though. He still has goals in him.
If you really must have another from their roster, Sam Cronin is probably your safest bet. Whilst rarely electrifying, he’s steady, and workmanlike and… yeah. Woo.

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SEATTLE SOUNDERS
Stadium – CenturyLink Field
Capacity – 67,000
Head Coach – Sigi Schmid
Mascots – (none)
2013 – Overall 6th
Rivals – Portland Timbers, San Jose Earthquakes, Vancouver Whitecaps
Watchlist – Hahnemann(G), Yedlin(D), Dempsey(M), Neagle(M), Martins(F)

Owners of big spending Seattle will be expecting to compete at the sharp end this campaign. The pressure’s on Sigi Schmid to deliver.

An MLS record crowd of 67,385 (I don’t know where the extra 385 sat) packed into CenturyLink Field to witness Clint Dempsey’s debut. A landmark attendance for a landmark signing. It soon became apparent, however, that Clint was far from match fit. As the season wound down he never really caught up, with a procession of incipid displays. The player did show promise towards the end, although his current loan spell at Fulham doesn’t exactly fill one with enthusiasm for 2014.
If Dempsey’s out of your price range, his midfield counterpart Lamar Neagle had his best season to date. In his 3rd spell at the club he contributed a highly respectable 8 goals and 4 assists.

It’s no secret that fantasy managers are always on the lookout for attack minded full-backs. DeAndre Yedlin (pictured) was arguably the star of Sounders’ defence in 2013 and made more forward advances than Olivier Giroud in a hotel. Now 20, he will surely continue along his steep development curve and become an increasingly valuable MLS asset.

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VANCOUVER WHITECAPS
Stadium – BC Place
Capacity  – 21,000
Head Coach –  Carl Robinson
Mascots – Spike
2013  -Overall 13th
Rivals – Portland Timbers, Seattle Sounders
Watchlist – Harvey(D), Manneh(F), Miller(F)

New head coach Carl Robinson, who many may remember from Wolves, Portsmouth, Sunderland, Norwich and about 50 others, will inherit a side still reeling from the sudden and somewhat unsavoury departure of star striker Camillo Sanvezzo. A fantasy team mainstay for many throughout 2013, he claimed the MLS top scorer award with a stunning hat-trick in the final game. What must worry Whitecaps fans is that they still only finished a modest 13th overall, despite his 22 goals; so you have to fancy them to struggle.

Every cloud has a silver lining; and so every mountain… has… umm…. a wh…a whitecap. (Editor: You’re fired). Robbo will be looking for Jordan Harvey (pictured) to build on an excellent 2013 in which the full-back, much like Seattle’s Yedlin, showed an eye for goal. Emerging talent Kekuta Manneh showed flashes of brilliance in his brief cameo appearances. Should Sanvezzo’s absence allow him increased game-time, he could explode (Especially if he ever goes to an Arsenal vs Portland game, one imagines).

So we hope you enjoyed Part 1 of MLS Tips, stay tuned for Part 2 ‘Eastern Conference’ will be with you all later on in the week….

Thanks for reading An Idiot Abroad’s guide to MLS – part 1, Western Conference, this article was written by Bryan Munich