An Idiot Abroad’s Guide to MLS – Part 2. Eastern Conference

When someone in the UK looks east in the morning, they see a rising sun shielded by grey clouds. That is, apart from those in London. For when those fine fellows look eastwards, they see Harry Redknapp; a man who knows more about the East than the Dalai Lama. He and assistant Kevin Bond were kind enough not to notice me recording their conversation on a dictaphone parked outside The Crown and Sceptre.

HR – “’Ere, Kev. I was on the old dog and bone this mornin’. You wanna see some of these players we got scouted from the USA! Proper players. ‘Ave a gander at this.”

KB – “What’s this about then guv’nor? This one of them dossiers or somefink?”

HR – “Sure is, me old mucker. This Eastern Conference malarkey… Well, half of ’em are just down the road, ain’t they!”

KB – “I don’t Adam and Eve it, squire. Blimey! Right on our doorstep! Hold yer ‘orses. You seen these names from Chicago Fire?”

HR – “Let me see that. Dilly Duka, Hunter Jumper, Lovel Palmer, Logan Pause, Harrison Ship, Guiseppe Gentile…. This gotta be some sorta wind up, Bondy.”

KB – “Guv, them lot wouldn’t last five minutes at Millwall. Probably some new fangled cockney rhyming slang. Shall I send them scouts back to the Orient, gaffer?

HR – “Soon as you can Kevin…… Right, that buffoon with the dictaphone’s gone. We can talk properly now, old chap.”

KB – “Thank goodness for that! Keeping up this facade quite disagrees with me. And for goodness sake Harold, wind your car window back down. My Dilly Duka’s are freezing!.”

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CHICAGO FIRE
Stadium Toyota Park
Capacity 20,000
Head Coach Frank Yallop
Mascot Sparky
2013 Overall 12th
Rival FC Dallas
Watchlist Ianni (D), Hurtado(D), Duka(M), Magee(F)

If Marvel had an MLS team, their captain America would be Mike Magee. Not satisfied with netting 6 goals for LA Galaxy in their first 10 games last season, SuperMike went on to score a further 15 in 21 appearances for a then struggling Chicago Fire. With 21 goals and 4 assists, it surprised no-one that Magee became the Fire’s first ever ‘MLS MVP Award’ winner.

Cards on the table time. Magee aside, Chicago had very little else to offer last season and they’ve even traded out their best defender, Austin Berry, to the Union. While preseason trades have seen the Eastern Conference catch up to their Western neighbors considerably, the ‘Men in Red’ have remained relatively inactive. That being said, their two Seattle acquisitions Jhon Kennedy Hurtado and Patrick Ianni are well worth keeping tabs on. Ianni has been in and out of the line up in recent warm-up games, and was used infrequently by Seattle so he may be overlooked by Frank Yallop and fantasy managers; but IF he can get a run in the team then with the generous bonus points he’s shown he can bring in, that could prove foolhardy.

COLUMBUS CREW
Stadium The Columbus Crew Stadium
Capacity 20,145
Head Coach Greg Berhalter
Mascots Crew Cat
2013 Overall 16th
Rivals Toronto FC, FC Dallas
Watchlist Williams(D), Oduro(F), Higuain(F)

The year: 1999. The scene: MLS’ first ever soccer-specific stadium is being unveiled by Crew Cat to the expectant masses.
“The Statue of Liberty, L’Arc de Triomphe, Machu Picchu. Magical monuments with names soaked in mystery. Indulge me as I now add to that list, Columbus Crew’s new stadium. Ladies and gentleman, behold…. ‘The Columbus Crew Stadium’.” (muted applause)
The importance of bonus points in MLS fantasy football can’t be overstated. Yes you want a striker who gets goals, but the holy grail is getting one who is unlikely to leave you with just 2 points when the goals dry up. Federico Higuain is such a player. He contributed 5 fewer goals and 2 less assists than Robbie Keane, and yet he got more points. Of course Keane missed a few more matches, but a big factor is Higuain’s ability to fashion out handsome attacking bonuses. He’s really quite the player.

Sorry, but there’s very little else to get worked up about here. But no slouch himself with 13 goals, Dominic Oduro plays the part of Higuain’s foil perfectly.

D.C. UNITED
Stadium RFK Stadium
Capacity 45,596
Head Coach Ben Olsen
Mascot Talon
2013 Overall 19th
Rivals New York Red Bulls, Philadelphia Union
Watchlist Boswell(D), Franklin(D), Arnaud(M), Silva(M), Johnson(F)

While Toronto have stolen most of the preseason trading headlines, DC United have quietly made some very shrewd investments. Especially in defence.
You’ll feel like Sean Franklin is a close relative by now, so numerous have been his mentions here. He had a fantastic season for LA Galaxy. 14 clean sheets, 3 goals and 2 assists is a fine return for any defender. If the new recruits blend well, he could be set for an even better season.

Bobby Boswell may sound like a character from a BBC sitcom, but the former Dynamo was a very handy squad member for a lot of fantasy teams throughout the season. DC United’s defence looks like it could be solid this year, and Bob’s bonus point/clean sheet potential is a rather blockbusting prospect.
In a surprise trade from Seattle (They seem to want to get rid of everyone) Eddie Johnson is a powerful, old fashioned centre forward. He bullies his way into the box and knows what to do when he gets there. He’s odds on to be the Black and Reds’ top scorer this season, adding to his impressive tally of 23 in 48 games for the Sounders. Tally…. tally… why does that name seem familiar? Meh. Probably nothing.

HOUSTON DYNAMO
Stadium BBVA Compass Stadium
Capacity 22,039
Head Coach Dominic Kinnear
Mascot Dynamo Diesel
2013 Overall 9th
Rival FC Dallas (doesn’t anyone like them?)
Watchlist Hall(G), Ashe(D), Brummer(D), Creaville(D), Davis(M), Garcia(M),

Sharing it’s nickname with an REM single, ‘Orange Crush’ had a fantastic 2013.In light of a mooted overhaul, rumors of Chivas USA changing theirs to ‘It’s the End of the World as We Know It’, remain unconfir… ah, sorry I’m being distracted by a commercial on the telly…

“Looking for a keeper that clocks up points for fun? (“YOU BET!”) Got a spare $6 million? (“Ah.…”) Then drop by the BBVA Compass on your way to Walmart and pick up yourself a limited edition Tally Hall. This delightfully named fellow also doubles up as a vote counting facility.”

If Dynamo’s branding reflects the city’s energy-based industrial economy, then Brad Davis and Óscar Boniek García are the creative sparks that ignite the team. Davis is an out-of-the-box action man and, even at 32, he’s still arguably at his peak. At the heart of everything La Naranja do, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he’s the MLS’ Frank Lampard. With so many great midfield options this year, however, it IS a stretch to splash out $11m on him. Only slightly cheaper is Garcia. But he really came to the fore in the latter part of their previous campaign. Don’t be surprised if he’s the most expensive Dynamo player next season.

MONTREAL IMPACT
Stadium Saputo Stadium
Capacity 20,521
Head Coach Frank Klopas
Mascots Tac-Tik
2013 Overall 11th
Rival Toronto, Vancouver Whitecaps
Watchlist Brovsky(D), Ferrari(D), Bernier(M), Felipe(M), Mapp(M), Di Vaio(F)

In 2012 Montreal became MLS’ newest Canadian recruit, following Toronto and Vancouver before them. With 49 international caps, local boy Patrice Bernier should prove to be an able skipper in the absence of departed club captain Davy Arnaud. It’ll be interesting to see if the extra responsibility will up his already reasonable goal/assist output.

Jeb Brovsky is a left-back that merits attention for, if nothing else, having amateur team ‘Notre Dame Fighting Irish’ on his résumé. Crikey. Though a fairly defensive-minded full back, he does occasionally produce in the final third; likewise Hassoun Camara (right-back). Just a word of warning though. After an impressive start to the season, Montreal ended up with the third worst defensive record. Caution is advised.

We all know that journalists feed off breaking news and programmers live for the latest software. It’s no different for orienteering hobbyists who live and die by having the most up-to-date map available. Known within their circles as the ‘Just in’ Mapp (Editor: “Seriously, that was terrible.”) this winger knows his way around a pitch. Even with a paltry three goals last season, he’s still a capable threat around the box.
With more clubs to his name than a golfer in Ibiza, talisman Marco Di Vaio is the ‘go to’ player if you want Impact coverage. This frustratingly inconsistent striker is just as likely to give you two points, as twelve points; which makes him a risky captain choice as most previous fantasy managers will testify. Turning thirty-eight this year, the former Serie A veteran’s unlikely to change now, but a goal ratio of one in two is hardly to be sniffed at. Can’t think of anything else to say… Oh, nearly forgot. He’s banned for the first three matches.

NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION
Stadium Gillette Stadium
Capacity 68,756(!!!)
Head Coach Jay Heaps
Mascot Slyde the Fox (What is it with foxes? And what do they say?)
2013 Overall 15th
Rivals Chicago Fire, Columbus Crew, Houston Dynamo
Watchlist Goncalves(D), Tierney(D), Fagundez(M)

The wearers of the coolest club badge in show business, the Revs owe much to former boss Steve Nicol. In under a decade at the helm, the Anfield legend steered them to the playoffs in EIGHT successive seasons. A club record. That he’s currently unemployed is surely MLS’ loss.

Homegrown Diego Fagundez was one of the finds of last season. The diminutive Uruguayan U20 international forced his way into the first eleven, and made a huge impression on the league, finishing 5th in the scoring charts with 13 goals. He’s reasonably priced, and listed as a midfielder for 2014, so it will be hard to find a reason to exclude him from your squad.

The player that immediately catches the eye, and deservedly so, is towering centre-half José Gonçalves. SPL fans will remember him from his 58 appearances for Hearts. Along with Collin (SKC) and Gonzalez (LA) they could form a holy trinity of center-backs in your team. Good luck meeting the trio’s $29.5m price tag, by the way. The good news? Jose’s the cheapest of the three.

While not quite ‘the best a man can get’, another of the Gillette Stadium’s finest, Chris Tierney, offers a cut price alternative to the aforementioned G-Unit. The Revs fullback isn’t afraid to breach the halfway line and can deliver a mean cross.

NEW YORK RED BULLS
Stadium Red Bull Arena
Capacity 25,189
Head Coach Mike Petke
Mascot Probably some bloke on minimum wage in a huge Red Bull can.
2013 Overall 1st
Rivals DC United, anyone who doesn’t drink Red Bull.
Watchlist Olave(D), Cahill(M), Sam(M) Henry(F),

New Yorkers are known for getting straight to the point; an admirable quality of course. So it comes as somewhat of a shock that their club’s Red Bull endorsement is paraded so reticently. New York Red Bulls nickname is ‘Red Bulls’, and is derived from the energy drink of the same name, ‘Red Bull’. (Editor: “Yeah, all right Bryan. We get that you’re being sarcastic. Move on.”)

As the season unfolded, Tim Cahill was seemingly more focussed on working the referee than the opposing goalie. Then, click. The corner flag busting Cahill came to life and even finished the season outscoring his French pal up front. He’s not a player who picks up many bonuses, but by jove he knows where the onion bag is.

You already know almost everything about Thierry Henry. But what you may not know is that he abstains from playing on artificial turf in order to protect old injuries. This means he will almost certainly not travel to away games at Seattle, Vancouver, New England and Portland. The Henry you once saw in the Premier League has had to adapt his game to accommodate both his advancing years and playing in MLS. More of a play-making forward, he created an average of 2.5 chances per 90 mins last season, more than triple that of his debut MLS campaign in 2010. #Evolution

Jamison Olave is a beast. An annoyingly expensive beast, but treat yourself. Hey, your defence deserves it. You’re getting a ferocious, take no prisoners, no holds barred, unflinching, valiant, stouthearted beast. Small print: He refuses to play on artificial turf.
Finally, keep an eye out for Lloyd Sam. He appeared sporadically in ’13, but still scored 5 goals in the collective equivalent of 10 games. He’s tipped to be a regular starter in ’14. Could be a real steal.

PHILADELPHIA UNION
Stadium PPL Park
Capacity 18,500
Head Coach John Hackworth
Mascot (subject to a focus group meeting)
2013 Overall 14th
Rivals DC United
Watchlist MacMath(G), Berry(D), Fabinho(D), Okugo(D), Williams(D), Edu(M), Le Toux(M), Mclnerney(F),

You may have noticed that over the course of these articles, about 37 defenders have been recommended to fill your allowance of six. Well, don’t worry. This has been taken into account and this article pledges henceforth to focus solely on forwards.
Brazilian left-back Fabinho was brought in mid-season and showed quickly why. He scored once and assisted twice in ten games. Now he’s settled into his surroundings, the 28-year old should offer solid attacking bonuses and decent value at $6.5m.
Why central defender Austin Berry was allowed to leave Chicago Fire is anyone’s guess. He’s a real force in fantasy football too, and although not cheap at $8.0 (But who IS this year, right?) he’s worth every single dime.

Sebastien Le Toux and Jack Mclnerney are both at opposite ends of their careers. Yet both are equally crucial to how well the Union will fare. Le Toux is an attractive midfield proposition; not just because he’s so reliable, but because he effectively plays as an attacker. Netting 12 goals, young Mclnerney’s performances earned rave reviews and a call up to Jurgen Klinsmann’s CONCACAF squad. He’s only going to get better and better.

SPORTING KANSAS CITY
Stadium Sporting Park
Capacity 18,467
Head Coach Peter Vermes
Mascot Blue
2013 Overall 2nd
Rival Chicago Fire
Watchlist Besler(D), Collin(D), Myers(D), Feilhaber(M), Zusi(M), Bieler(F)

You’ve seen his stats from last season. You know he’s the best. You know you want him. He’s more than just a defender. He scores goals (6). He racks up ridiculous bonus points. He can stop a landslide with one hand. He’s Aurelien Collin. You can’t afford him.

You’ve seen his stats from last season. You know he’s the best. You know …. hold on. They have Graham Zusi, too? That’s hardly fair. No wonder they won the MLS cup last season. The Wizards’ chief wizard makes magical things happen. Last year perhaps wasn’t him at his best and disappointed all too often. But make no mistake, if he gets a run going he’s the guy every fantasy manager will pounce on. Former Derby County man Benny Feilhaber, particularly impressive in the playoffs, is a cheaper and worthy option.

TORONTO F.C.
Stadium BMO Field
Capacity 21,140
Head Coach Ryan Nelson
Mascots (What!!? You’re making me say this? Seriously!!?) Umm.. Bitchy.. the Hawk.
2013 Overall 17th
Rivals Montreal Impact, Vancouver Whitecaps, Columbus Crew
Watchlist Cesar(G), Orr(D), Bradley(M), Jackson(M), Rey(M), Defoe(F), Gilberto(F)

Finishing the 3rd worst team in MLS, and under pressure from fans. Ex-QPR boss defender Ryan Nelson must’ve wondered why he’d left Loftus Road. Imagine his face, then, when the chairman parks up with a truck load of cash and says, “Ryan. Take what you need.”

They may have floundered before, but boy do they mean business this year. Giving Jermaine Defoe $8m a year (4 times his Spurs salary) is a huge financial risk in itself. But did they stop there? Nope. They hauled in Nelson’s former team-mate Julio Cesar too. A huge financial gamble indeed. How about adding Michael Bradley from AS Roma? Three players dipping their toes into MLS for the first time. Three players costing more than the club made in 2013. It’s been described by those with much more fiscal intuition than I, that this is financial suicide. No pressure Mr. Nelson.
Not our problem though, eh? Be aware that Defoe is still shaking off a niggling injury, so it could be wise to see how he does on his eventual debut (Toronto don’t play in GW1 remember). The player many pundits are excited to see is Michael Bradley. With an acutely intelligent football brain, and vast experience at a high level, he could be the one who really changes their fortunes.

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So that’s a general overview of the squads. Hopefully it gives a good foundation to MLS newcomers. One thing that recently came to light is an update of the Matchday app that was mentioned in the first article. “An Introduction to Soccerball”. It enhances the experience no end. Check out full details on:
http://www.mlssoccer.com/news/article/2014/03/06/mls-matchday-2014-app-now-available-free-download-ios-android-and-windows-8
Good luck to everyone, and remember if things go belly up to start with (like mine did) you’ll always have at least 2FTs to get you back on track. The FF247 MLS invasion starts here.

Thanks for reading, An Idiot Abroad’s Guide to MLS – Part 2. Eastern Conference, this article was written by Bryan Munich