Fantasy Football Diary – GW’s 32 – 34

Fantasy Football Diary – GW’s 32 – 34.

Welcome to Cookie’s Fantasy Football Diary. We’re nearly there folks as I welcome you to the penultimate diary entry of the season. In this action-packed instalment we are joined by a somewhat unaware, surprising and revealing newbie writer as I try and navigate through the choppy and unpredictable water of the business end of the FPL season amongst FH f**kwittery, SGW sensationalism and WC wilting. It’s all here – a good captain, an injured captain and quite honestly a joke captain, technical glitches, Monday night elation, finding God, losing God, playground liaisons, Monday night horror, fantasy friends and Bench Boost decisions. And Fritzl & Lady Gin continue to lurk in the shadows…..

Game-week 32
The lead up to DGW32 was busy with work and preparing a Free Hit team. With internet access at work somewhat restricted, my FPL time is limited to the commute to and from work and whatever time is left once the little’uns are in bed and we’ve had dinner.

My FH planning is an enigma I cannot figure. I came up with the revolutionary front three of Kun, Jesus & Higuain. However my two main FPL gurus, Kop & Init, both dismissed the Jesus idea. Hmmmm. The problem is when I have an idea I’m like a dog with a bone.

I spend my lunch hour hunting down 3 presents for Mother’s Day – one from each of the kids. Two were easy. Couldn’t decide on a third so bought her an alarm clock Just about better than a new iron and on the current run rate, will be used more 😉

Got back to the office and bribed one of the girls to do my wrapping. I hate wrapping.

Got the presents home and smuggled them past the house and hid them in the car until the ‘big day’. Thought I’d got away with it until William opened the front door with a cry of ‘What were you doing in the car Daddy?” FFS.

Imagine my shock later that evening when my wife’s phone buzzed whilst she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. I took a sneaky peak and discovered Mrs C has also been keeping a diary. The latest entry….

‘He just sits there on his phone waiting for dinner. I wash, iron (Ed. really????) and cook and all he does is his bloody fantasy stuff like a child. Always on his phone talking to his ‘fantasy’ friends…..Init, Kop, Mito, AT, Smash etc etc. Who do they think they are, The A Team? Losers.’

It appears she doesn’t approve!

It’s Thursday night, two more sleeps before the deadline. My problem is I’m out with work tomorrow night so need to either get this sorted tonight, or do it pissed on the way home from Bristol tomorrow or Saturday morning when hungover. Doesn’t bode well.

Friday morning. I fell asleep last night with nothing decided. What would Jesus do?

Before I left for work I took another look at her phone and there was another diary entry. She talks to the diary more than me. Little wonder the ironing pile is spiralling out of control.

‘The lazy slob is snoring on the sofa murmuring ‘I’ve got Jesus on my side.’ Oh f**k, he’s found God. He’ll need more than Jesus when I’ve finished with him.’

Friday night is a fun night out with work, I was on best behaviour and got the last train home. I spent the journey working on my FH draft 799. This game-week needs to start and put us all out of our misery.

Saturday arrives. At last. Mrs C is working today but we have time for a small tête à tête about nothing. She’s a nightmare when hungover. She was out too you see last night, with her school mum friends. I don’t think my coffee morning mum was there. Remember her? If not, good!

I posted another RMT on site which included my dream front 3 and 3 Palace defenders!

I take the kids to the park and who should be there but my coffee morning mum. Well how about that. Things are looking up. After a while I check my phone and it’s 11.23am. Fccccckkk! My FH. I hadn’t saved any one of the 800 drafts and still have a front 3 of Vardy, Wilson & Arnie, Fabianski in goal and no Pogba plus 3 yellow flagged defenders.

I panically throw together a team and decide my dream front 3 is a no-goer. But who to lose from Higuain or Jesus. Jesus is the smart sensible call. So I bin Higuain. Having gone on all week about Jesus I can’t lose him now. Imagine if he performs and I don’t have him?! This is why we play the game, for moments like this. Isn’t it?! Well it should be.

So Higuain goes for Batshuayi, I spruce up the defence by getting Azpi, Schlupp & Lindelof for the yellow flagged Wan-Bissaka, Doherty & Shaw. It looks more balanced, more template (apart from Jesus).

I save and confirm changes at 11.28am. That was too stressful.

The deadline bell rings and I wish the world and my master ‘Good luck’.

The good thing is William has a mate’s birthday party later. I get back to the important stuff and enquire as to whether coffee morning Mum (let’s just call her CMM going forward, just in case) is going. She is. We both smile. It’s not quite a Harry Meets Sally moment but at least it’ll make for a fun afternoon

Naturally we stay at the park too long, but the little’uns were having so much fun. Honest.

DGW32 kicked off with City at Fulham and Captain Kun scores and assists nice and early, happy days. He then limps off shortly after half time, with my saviour Jesus replacing him. Ooooohhhhh. C’mon. Sadly there was no more scoring but the word is Kun could miss the midweek visit of Cardiff. Time for the Messiah!

After a quick lunch we hurried to the party with half a packet of chocolate hob nobs enough to keep the kids moan-free.

CMM had spruced herself up 😉 As the kids were playing she asked if I’d like my coffee and ended with the line, ‘I’ve forgotten how you like it’. Saucy minx.

Prob best to return to the footy and boy I should have kept that Palace trio at the back as they saw off Huddersfield easily enough. No goal for Bats though and a no-show from Lindelof meant Kun was easily the hero of the day.

After day 1 I’d lost 6k places, damnit.

Sunday, Mother’s Day. The mrs got up before anyone else meaning my intention to bring her tea and toast in bed was dashed.

She has invited Fritzl & Lady Gin around for Sunday lunch. The idiot.

The first game of the day saw my Chelsea threesome at Cardiff. Their clean sheet was lost early in the 2nd half and Hazard was only named on the bench. A late Azpi goal helped mind you and by the end of the day I had reclaimed those lost 6k places!

Lunch was barely bearable. Needless to say LG was pissed by the time we ate so straight after dinner I put the kids to bed and lay down with William until the outlaws left.

A diary entry from the mrs. Got some nice presents from the children, bless them. They were wrapped very nicely so he’d obviously sweet-talked one of the girls in his office to do it for him, the creep.

Mum & Dad came over. They are much more chilled now we’ve moved out. They still think Cookie is a low-life but fortunately he played in the garden with the kids and we had a few drinks inside.

The idiot was talking in his sleep again gawd only knows where his head is now as he kept repeating ‘Jesus will save me this week’. Weirdo.’

Just three points from Pogba & Lindelof combined has seen a biiiiiiig red arrow thus far. But at least I didn’t own Smalling or Young!

With just three matches left my hopes rest on Jesus. I have faith.

Praise the Lord (or Pep), Jesus starts. Unfortunately Sterling, Kun (obviously) or Townsend don’t. Disappointing start. City score early but its KdB with Laporte assisting. Damn Laporte. He smashed a DGW last time. He was the call, not Jesus.

Harry Hindsight is never wrong.

Hallelujah. Jesus assists just before half time. C’mon Gab let’s have a monster 2nd half.

Not to be, sadly. City don’t score again. Palace lose their clean sheet, Bats does nothing but at least my double Chelsea at the back come up trumps as does Hazard.

I end the week on 88. A small recovery this evening, but I am only back at the 58k mark again!

The yo-yo continues. The wildcard still in hand though it feels like I’ve lost the chance of a top 10k finish this season which is disappointing after being in the top 100k for so long and holding onto all my chips until the back end of the season.

Had a look at my returning GW31 team and saw 3 Hammers. Logged off immediately.

Mrs C’s diary – ‘Cookie was quiet over dinner this evening. He mumbled something about Jesus leaving him and it was only ever a temporary thing. He’s lost the plot.’

Game-week 33
With less than 48hrs between the end of DGW32 and the deadline for GW33 there was truly no rest for the wicked.

I have 3 Hammers in my squad FFS. They are shite and away to Chelsea this week. However I have kept all of them this week because none of my bench play and I have the cash to upgrade Gunnarson to Hazard. Opting not to take a hit means me playing Arnie or Anderson and benching the other and at the same time ignoring obvious good one week punts such as Maddison, Tielmans & Fraser. What could go wrong?

I’m captaining Hazard this week. It was a choice ‘tween him, Vardy & Mané. Hazard won for the sheer hell of having a Monday night captain.

The game-week starts with Friday’s clash between Southampton & Liverpool and an assist for TAA and a late goal for Salah returns me 11pts. And a rise of 6k places!

Check the logic:

1) spend 2 weeks formulating the perfect FH team full of DGWers – result is a rise of 600 places.

2) rush into a GW with little thought, no mad ideas or hits, 3 Liverpool like the rest of the world and gain 6k places. Bingo.

Post match I activate the wildcard just to buy the rising James Ward-Prowse. Who fails to rise. Brill.

I wake downstairs in a funny position having fallen asleep in front of Graham Norton….so to speak.

The mrs is working all day today so it’s just me and the kids. A perfect Saturday.

And it was for Vardy owners like me. Sadly I didn’t capo him as per the Site team and many others but his 16pts were invaluable on a quiet FPL day. With only three matches today, my Bournemouth duo of Wilson & Brooks did nowt though Wan-Bissaka chipped in with a clean sheet and bonus point – it’s going to destroy me to sell that little bugger on my Wildcard, he’s been a revelation this season.

If Saturday was quiet then Sunday was even more so with just one fixture – Arsenal at Everton. With many owning Aubameyang or Lacazette this had the potential to set my GW back. Oh me of little faith as Digne stepped up for an 8pter as the Gooners blanked.

Schweet! With 46pts from 8 players (call it 10 as 2 of my 3 remaining are Hammers), I’m on a big green arrow at 45,825 with my skipper still to play Monday night.

Had a great weekend with the kids though they were a shocker in Homebase and had to ask a member of staff to pick up a list of items I need. We’ve been given a brand new garden table by a friend but it has no fixtures! Got home only to realise the Homebase chap had sold me the wrong fixtures

Mrs C – ‘Well that was a great weekend. Worked all day Saturday and ironed for 5 hours today. Cookie took the kids out – he missed loads off the shopping list and then bought the wrong fixtures for the garden table. How difficult can it be to read a list? Idiot. I go to bed only to wake up to see him whatsapping at 1am. He’s talking to a ‘Inittowinit’. One of his ‘fantasy’ friends no doubt.’

Monday, not normally my happiest day of the week but with my Capo still to play there is much excitement.

And he didn’t disappoint did he? Two goals and three bonus points later and I end the week on 82pts and a weekly rank of 55,727. The green arrow that should logically have arrived in FH week arrives in a reduced game-week with little thought or analysis.

I jump to 35,182 my best rank since GW13 and maybe with a good Wildcard and a bit of luck I can get close to that 10k mark.

Mrs C – ‘Cookie seemed happy this evening as I was cooking. For some reason he was cheering Chelsea goals and shouting ‘Who needs Jesus in the Garden of Eden?’. Seriously, there’s something not right in that head.’

The Wildcard tinkering now goes into overdrive as we approach GW34.

Game-week 34
Kane’s injury dictated that the Wildcard was relatively straightforward ish. Kun replaced Harry Kane MBE (go figure) and meant Eriksen & Son in midfield, Mané booted out for a couple of weeks and Dunk alongside Captain Duffy for a Brighton double up for their ‘almost guaranteed’ clean sheets at home to beach bums Bournemouth and bums Cardiff.

I tried to get the Site team to capo Duffy but Init wasn’t entertaining it, Kop followed the conservative line but capo’d Duffy himself and Floydeth was AWOL but then stated a preference for Duffy eight hours after the article was published. Always on the ball that one.

I messaged Kop & Init individually to try and change their minds. With Floydeth on board I reckoned, with my Theresa May like confidence, that I could have won the second vote. But there was to be no second vote. Son is our capo despite my certainty that Poch wouldn’t start him vs Huddersfield.

My pleas fell on deaf ears.

Another Friday start to the GW saw Vardy, Maddison et al fail at home to Newcastle. Perfect.

Mrs C – ‘had a good night out in Bath with my work mates. Rocked in at 1.30am and told Cookie I missed the last bus. He’s been banging on all week that he’s ‘playing wild’ (??) on Friday. What the hell does that mean? Don’t like the sound of it. He’s going all animalistic on me. Best to stay out and have a few more Bacardis and hope he’s asleep when I get in. He’s not. But luckily one of the girls is awake.
I awake to some strange murmurings from the buffoon. ‘Duffy is the man. I’m a maverick. They’ll see.’ What the heck is Duffy? And maverick? The fool thinks he’s in Top Gun.
Saturday is Dad’s birthday and we’re all going for a drink in the afternoon – can’t wait.’

I wake up with 3 girls in the bed. Not in this case a dream scenario as two of them are my twins and the other my inebriated snoring mrs.

Anyway today is Duffy day. Oh and Fritzl’s birthday and the mrs has arranged for us all to go out for a drink this afternoon. Cosmic.

How I laughed when Son was benched. I enjoyed some Son banter on site and then had to go out with William.

Then a very strange thing happened. A disturbing occurrence that made me feel uneasy and emotionally naked. My phone stopped working. Pop-ups kept popping up and the sat nav kept telling me where to go but the screen was frozen and meant I couldn’t access anything. I tried everything – tried to turn it off repeatedly and pressed the ‘dismiss’ message more times than Hugh Grant said ‘fck’ at the start of Four Weddings….. nothing worked. I even stopped the car and tried.

We had the Spurs game on the radio but I’d need the phone for my Duffy updates. I was missing Whatsapp messages and William and I were late for the birthday celebrations……so it wasn’t all bad 😉

The sat nav was telling me to ‘take the right in 400 yards’ and ‘the third exit at the roundabout’ etc but of course I had no way of knowing the final destination (we were collecting a tricycle for the girls).

Eventually ‘our destination was on the left’ but we didn’t know the number of the house and I needed a wee. We knocked on four doors with no response. Jeez this is a ghost town. We agreed to try one more then head back. A lady answered the door and I asked rather randomly ‘Are you selling a pink tricycle?’ This could get me arrested or assaulted.

Fortunately we had the right house. We collected the tricycle and the lady kindly agreed to message the mrs to say my phone wasn’t working.

We drove back. Still no joy with the phone. Bloody Apple. Son had by now come on and assisted to appease his captainers. Eriksen had also assisted and hit the post. I reckon I had 16pts from my Spurs lot, a decent if unspectacular start.

We arrived back. Fritzl & Lady Gin had already arrived. Wonderful. And had a drink in hand. Radio 5 had told me it was 0-0 at Brighton but it was still early doors.

Whatsapps were arriving but I couldn’t read most of them as they were hidden by this bloody ‘Dismiss’ message.

We went for a drink. I’m always expected to pay so I took my time to lock the car and walked in deliberately slowly to see if any other fker would put their hand in their pocket. Surprisingly it was LG who blinked first – poor old bint was probably having withdrawal symptoms.

Mrs C – ‘We’re out for Dad’s birthday and Cookie turned up late. On purpose no doubt. Now he’s acting really weirdly. He’s banging his phone screen repeatedly and twitching uncontrollably like that Redknapp man.’

This is frustrating the hell out of me.

It gets so late that I decide to try and play the MOTD challenge which basically involves watching Match of the Day without knowing the scores.

I manage to see a Whastapp from Kop saying, ‘FFS’ – given he has captained Duffy I can only assume Bournemouth have scored late on. Shame but no shock.

With no phone I can’t keep in touch with United’s evening match vs West Ham. In fact I can’t do anything I would normally do – check Twitter, emails, go on site, Whatsapp, anything.

Luckily the Masters golf is on and acts as a nice distraction while I wait for dinner and then MOTD. Hi

It’s actually exciting looking forward to the footy not knowing what has happened though Kop’s message suggests no clean sheet for Duffy. Unless he had a goal disallowed. Or God forbid got sent off.

Mrs C – ‘Honestly, its like someone has cut his right arm off. His phone is broken and its like the end of the world for him. That’ll teach him a lesson. It’s bloody attached to him all the time.’

10.30pm arrives. The first game is….Spurs FFS. Lol. The one game I know the score!! Next up is United and we are lucky to win.

And then it is time. Brighton vs Bournemouth. The third game on suggests it didn’t finish 0-0! What unfolded next turned from initial disappointment to utter hilarity. Bournemouth went ahead. Then added a 2nd. Then a 3rd. I winced every time Duffy went in for a tackle though in fairness he and Dunk got nowhere close to either Wilson, King or indeed each other all game. Bournemouth ended up scoring 5, lol.

I bet I’ve taken so much grief on site especially after all the abuse I gave to Son captainers.

The mrs looks at my phone while I’m watching the footy. She fixes it in 5mins! But strangely I have enjoyed the day without it, especially MOTD which I normally fall asleep in front of.

Add in 3pts from Jota & Jimenez and I’ve ‘progressed’ from 16pts from 3 players to 19 from 7!

My weekly rank is 3.5mln thus far! Good going on a Wildcard don’t you think?!

I still have Kun, Salah & TAA tomorrow and big Troy on Monday. And then Capo Duffer & Dunk get another chance on Tuesday at home to Cardiff. I still have high hopes for some sort of green arrow pre-Bench Boost.

After hours away from the site I log in to face the music but surprisingly its rather tame. Cowards 😉

Sunday sees Kun blank and Sterling ‘rank crucify’ me by scoring twice. Bollox. At least City win.

Salah scores and TAA gets a 2 bonus point clean sheet but I’m 10pts off the average of 47 and my weekly rank is north of 4mln.

Monday Night Football – where many a game-week is made or broken. This time last week it was Captain Hazard doing the biz vs West Ham. This week it’s Deeney vs Arsenal. An Arsenal side who I had slagged off to everyone pre-GW as their away form was poor and they haven’t kept a clean sheet on the road all season.

Surely there’s a goal here for Deeney? I get the kids to bed and turn on the radio 15mins into the game with a glass of red in hand.

WTF? Deeney…. see, I can’t even use his christian name any more…. has been sent off. Already!! I nearly spit the Merlot onto the cream sofa.

This GW is going from bad to worse. If I wasn’t enough behind the average already, I’m right royally screwed now.

I can’t even talk numbers to you. My freefall GW rank is only slightly appeased by the knowledge that a few others are going through a season-horribilis as Queeny might say.

I’m now going to have to replace that Watford tw@t as well as one of the Brighton muppets. Oh and Valery is yellow-flagged and apparently Aguero was hobbling at Palace.

Who to get for Deeney? Back to Wilson seems a fair call – he has no DGW but he does have Fulham at home. And let’s be honest, DGWs are sooooo overrated.

Mrs C – ‘The mood swings have started again – Cookie arrived home from work bouncing. The kids were so excited to see him, they were larking around together and had a massive water fight in the bath. I even got a kiss. Hmmmm what’s he done? And then as soon as he sat down it all changed. He threw his red wine all over the sofa and was grumpy until he stalked off to bed. I pour myself another Bacardi. Luckily he’s asleep when I go up but I’m soon woken by his now nightly murmurings. This time it’s a repeated call for ‘Wilson’. Seriously he needs to see someone. He’s now shouting for Wilson. He thinks he’s Tom Hanks, the idiot. What the hell is wrong with him?’

I woke early after a disturbed night’s sleep. Wilson seems fixed into my head but will see what happens in the Champions League first. I need news of Kun. If he’s crocked then it changes things completely.

There’s a full day at work ahead before Captain Duffer gets his chance at redemption.

Plus Init is away this week so Kop and I have to mind the FF247 ship – which is a bit like leaving Laurel & Hardy in charge

‘Tonight’s gonna be a good night’ – positive thoughts. Surely a 1-0 win for Brighton is not too much to expect? It’s only Cardiff and if Duffer can grab that goal that’s a 30pt swing in my GW.

Ho-hum. It takes Cardiff 22mins to acore. What a load of bollocks. The Welsh add a second 5mins into the second half. I am raging now and want to sell both of the tossers and Deeney. Don’t care about the
hit. Just want rid.

I end the week on 38pts. Enough said. I’m fuming. Massive red arrow. I deserve to be punched in the face.

I’m off to find some defenders better than Dumb and Dumber. Shouldn’t take long. See you soon xx

Thanks for reading Fantasy Football Diary – Game-weeks 32 – 34. This article was written by Cookie

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