Fantasy Football Diary – GWs13 – 18

Fantasy Football Diary – GWs 13 -18

I trust you’re as ready as possible for Christmas – not long now for the big day. What more would you want than an elongated diary entry? A story dating back to before Advent and lasting longer than the journey to Bethlehem and the search for a room. Mary and Joseph had a happy ending of course, I cannot promise the same for me but at least I’m not running from King Herod – just trying my best to avoid Lord Grumpy and Lady Gin. My journey this time contains ups and downs, low moments and funny moments – moments of FPL riches and fantasy despair. A wasted wildcard, a game-week to forget, family illness and lots more.
My suggestion would be to pour yourself a very large drink and sit down and read if you really have nothing better to do!
To you and yours I wish you a very Happy Christmas – enjoy the time, remember the FPL deadline and stay safe.
May your festivities be joyful and your arrows green.

Game-week 13
The lead up to GW13 is dominated by three scenarios. Firstly I officially started work on the Monday – I say officially as it doesn’t really feel like work yet. I am ‘working’ from the local library as I don’t need to be in the office (in Surrey) – plus the CEO is out of action this week, somewhere on holiday so it’s only really a case of reading up on things, understanding the business and working out a plan of action.

Secondly, the girls have chicken pox which means they can’t go to any playgroup or such like. A nightmare for the Mrs as she is effectively housebound with them!!

Thirdly, will Danny Ings be fit for the weekend? He is due to play Fulham which is the main reason I brought the loser.

It’s presser time and Ings is a major doubt. Right that’s him sold. I consider no-one bar Jimenez of Wolves – he’s a similar price and plays Huddersfield & Cardiff next.

There is a small doubt on Robertson playing which would leave me with the yellow-flagged Wan-Bissaka or Peltier off my bench. Not ideal.

Friday early evening sees temporary in-law relief as William has a ‘movie night’ at school and the Mrs doesn’t want to go. Perfect. The film is Home Alone. haha. All goes well, William enjoys the film with his mates, I enjoy a couple of glasses of vin rouge with a couple of the mums and then we head home.

The mother-in-law is smashed. And I mean smashed. Hammered. Rat-arsed. It’s only 8.30pm FFS. Getting through dinner is going to be a challenge – it’s only fish and chips but it’s not going to be fun or easy.

The old man is shouting at her – ‘you’re just a drunken sh*t for brains’ – haha – obviously that laugh was kept internal. You couldn’t make this life up.

We somehow race through dinner, though a few peas and the odd bit of fish decided to abandon the mother-in-law’s plate for a better life on the floor. After the quickest of clean up operations, the Mrs and I retire upstairs for some peace and quiet and an early night.

Saturday morning – all is calm as if nothing happened last night.

I take the 3 kids to soft play using the guise of ‘you have a break darling, I’ll take them out for the morning’. In-law avoidance at its best. I read that most dads hate soft play areas. I love it. They play, I drink coffee and get on site and offer my dreadful advice. But it’s just me and you guys. No mrs, no in-laws, no rowing – the worse that happens is the kids constant badgering for a snack.

The deadline bells rings. My duty on site is done and acknowledged in best-honoured tradition. Off we go. Salah captain, many are going for Richarlison.

I take William to watch Larkhall Athletic vs Mangotsfield United in the Evo-Stik South – Division One South. £9 to get in!! Wow. Wasn’t expecting that, I’ve only got £15 in my wallet for hotdogs and beers and entry. Luckily the bar offer cash back – sorted but a more expensive afternoon than was anticipated. Don’t tell the Mrs please 😉

Robertson plays! (Not for Larkhall, fyi). Hurrah. And banks a cs as Salah (goal, cs, no bps, standard) outperforms Richarlison. Mane contributes 2 assists which is satisfying. Liverpool are keeping my team going this season. How that hurts.

City batter West Ham 4-0. Kun blanks. Sterling and Sane steal the headlines and the points. I have no City mids – this may have to change. A Walker clean sheet is my only bonus from this game.

Little did I know this is the end of my scoring this week.

Arnie limps off. Obviously.

Mitrovic scores a brace for new boss Ranieri – maybe I should have kept that loser instead of Ings.

United draw 0-0 at home to Palace. Surely Jose is on borrowed time. Benched defender Wan-Bissaka keeps an unlikely clean sheet. Here’s hoping Barkley doesn’t feature vs Spurs in the evening kick off.

Larkhall won 3-2 by the way. What a delightful place to watch football. William enjoyed it, the hot dog(s) helped.

Barkley is on the bench. Phew. Chelsea are getting hammered by Spurs, this is not good. Twitter tells me Barkley is warming up before half time. Oh no no no no. In disgrace I wish for 3 (non-serious or life-threatening) Chelsea injuries to keep Ross the Boss on the bench.

Barkley comes on. For a one-pointer. Wan-Bissaka and his tidy clean sheet will remain out of reach. Damn.

We get through dinner (curry night) relatively pain-free – no major arguments though the mother-in-law is basically smashed 5 nights out of 7.

I have worked out that buying the old grumpy one a couple of Abbot Ales keeps him off my back temporarily.

I make my excuses and go to bed. Well I’m actually going to watch MOTD in bed – they hate football. That won’t surprise any of you.

Sunday brings nothing from my pair of Wolves as they lose 2-0 at home to Huddersfield against the odds. My week is complete with one match to go – Monday’s Burnley vs Toon thriller.

I’m stuck on 51pts and at the moment I see a green arrow taking me up to a rank of 18,725 but this will lower once Hart and co play and auto-subs coming into force.

I still have my wildcard in hand but apart from getting Sterling or Sane, I don’t really feel the need to use it. Then again a week is a long time in FPL and by GW15 I may feel very differently, especially with the Champions League group stage coming to an end plus a nice turn of fixtures for the likes of Arsenal and Spurs.

Burnley vs Toon finishes 1-2 with minimal damage to the ranking – I end the week with a global rank of 19,600

Game-week 14

With Champions League & Europa action this week there is no need for any early moves and to be honest looking at my team there is a case for holding the transfer. That would of course mean going without a City midfielder again. Will probably have to wait until the end of the week to see if Arnie has made his usual midweek recovery or if he should just be put down for good.

Sadio Mane is a doubt for Liverpool’s tie with PSG, while Jesus hasn’t travelled with City so Kun will defo play midweek, which is a shame.

Life at ‘home’ plods on – there are argument nights and quiet nights. It’s pretty depressing to be honest with you so I won’t bang on too long and bring you all down!

At least I’ve been able to get my teeth into some work which is good for the mental state. It’s a good opportunity for me – the property industry is a new one for me which makes a nice change.

Presser Friday sees Mane and Arnie declared fit so I’m going to hold the free transfer. Kun is my capo, Salah vice.

I remember (just) to wish Lord Innit good luck. Good thinking on my part with this strange deadline.

The Friday kick off sees Cardiff defeat Wolves – a Jimenez assist is welcome but Doherty scoring will hurt due to his ownership. Patricio may have to go soon.

Saturday sees a relaxed run-in to the 3pm kick offs. And then the nightmare starts. Kun has apparently got a small injury and isn’t in the squad while Walker is rested. FFS. With Stephens suspended and Peltier an unused Cardiff sub last night I’m only playing with 10 this week….and that includes Barkley coming off my bench tomorrow at home to Fulham. Given Ross the Boss played Europa on Thursday, no way he starts tomorrow so a late cameo is all I can hope for.

I now have no City coverage at home to Bournemouth. Great. My only representation this afternoon is Arnie at Newcastle and Wan-Bissaka home to Burnley. An assist from Arnie and a clean sheet from WB is unspectacularly acceptable.

However, with Sterling scoring and Sane assisting it looks like it’s going to be a red arrow this week.

Sunday is Derby day and I really need Ross the Boss to come up with something here. I’m just getting the kids into the car after a late morning supermarket run as the line-ups are announced. Ross the Boss is no more. He’s done a Kun. Not even in the squad. Jeez. I’m down to 9 players.

Alonso comes up with a clean sheet. And is then taken off after apparently having a shocker. Hmmm. A late Hazard assist is not helpful.

Kane and Aubameyang do their best to further dent my rank as they tot up 22pts between them in the NLD.

The wife and I take the kids swimming which is great – they have a great time and while I also enjoy it I’m still annoyed about Barkley. And Kun. And Walker.

My last chance rests with my Liverpool trio and Richarlison in the Merseyside love-in. Salah is of course my captain and is taken off mid-way through the second half for Sturridge. My fate is sealed, a horrendous game-week. A clean sheet for Robertson is scant reward because everyone has a Liverpool defender.

I total 40pts which is a weekly rank of 4,479,941!!!! That’s not great. I plummet to 41,033 which is a body blow after building things up nicely over the last few weeks.

Over a reasonably amicable Sunday roast things explode. This is getting me down now. More pissed arguing. I leave the idiots to it and make sure the kids are asleep and not hearing any of it. Fortunately they’re all sparko somehow.

I go to bed. Nothing has gone well today, except the swimming.

Can’t sleep – the three of them are just shouting at each other. No point going down – I’ve tried reasoning with piss heads before and there’s really no point.

I lay in bed, log onto to FF247. My team is a mess. And GW15 starts in 2 days -a midweek game-week. Great fun. Kun may not play on Tuesday. Barkley is now a waste of space. And injured. Spurs host Southampton. It seems like everyone is selling Kun and buying Kane. I have the cash to do it but nothing else to replace Barkley. And the options are limited.

Fck it. I play my Wildcard. Weeks of discipline and patience are undone in a fit of rage after a bad game-week. Then again, I’ve done well to hold on this long, I’ve normally played it before the end of the English cricket season.

Meanwhile, downstairs the grumpy old bastard has gone to bed and the mrs and her mum miraculously make up and do an ‘all-nighter’, finally giving up the ghost at 6am. Idiots.

Game-week 15
My wildcard will be based on form and fixtures but won’t include Kun, Sterling, Hazard or Salah. A big gamble but for the first time I’m not in a competitive mini-league so am only really playing for fun and overall rank. Fun is the important part here I think – so often we forget that part and take it a little too seriously.

Work is a struggle after spending most of last night awake. The kids chicken pox has gone, so that’s a positive.

I post my latest WC team on site. No Alonso, Robertson, Mane, Salah, Hazard or Kun. Wow. Sterling and Sane come in. With Pep likely to rotate in midfield I buy Digne as well as Coleman to buy some protection if Sterling or Sane are benched.

Phew – lucky I bought Digne for Pep did bench Sterling for the trip to Watford. Digne will come off the bench at home to Toon – hopefully a clean sheet there tomorrow evening.

I wish everyone (Init) good luck. He acknowledges. Job done.

The game-week starts badly with Fraser assisting Wilson and then Wilson assisting Fraser. Jeez, will these two ever stop. Things then take a turn for the better as Fabianski saves a penalty, beauty! Arnie then gets booked before limping off FFS. If this bloke was a horse….

Sane justifies his inclusion by scoring on his Cookie Monsters debut – good lad. Annoyingly Cardiff score late at West Ham to take Fabianski’s clean sheet. Bl**dy Hammers.

Day 2 of midweek GW15 sees me travelling to Surrey to meet my two colleagues for a lunch meeting. The train up to Paddington is fine – I enjoy these peaceful times away from the house of horror and the library. The train down to Surrey is ok, just a 40min journey but I need to charge my phone and the only plugs are in 1st Class. I don’t really need a £100 fine so I plug my phone in but stand just outside the compartment by the door. Just as the train is about to pull in to my station I retrieve my phone but have to sit down to unplug it – at which point the conductor walks in. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Never have I moved so fast as I stand up, mutter a panicky ‘good morning’ and hurdle down the carriage! Fortunately he doesn’t chase me and I disembark.

Lunch is great and long. Five and a half hours to be exact. I’m hammered but try to disguise it. On the train back up to London Victoria I (confession time) throw up. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. People just look at me like I’m scum. Which I probably am. I’m a rubbish lunchtime drinker.

The tube journey round to Paddington is a bit of a blur in all honesty. Instinct gets me there 10mins before my train to Bath is due to depart. I get onboard, find a seat and slump head first onto the table.

This is no preparation for GW15 part deux. I flit in and out of sleep. Everton concede early to Toon. FFS. My double Toffee clean sheet wiped out. Alexander-Arnold has been rested by Klopp but comes on after 23mins so I can still get his clean sheet points.

Liverpool concede. Bollox. My two Spurs and Aubayemang are my only hope now – Captain Kane scores and assists, Foyth is keeping his obvious clean sheet vs Southampton. Auba does nothing.

The train arrives in Bath and I need to sort myself out. I stop for a burger and try and sober up with 2 bottles of water. Southampton score. Nooooooo.

I finish on 54pts and lose 1,200 places – my new rank is 42,251. Bit of a non event truth be told.

I get a cab back to the house of horrors. There’s a bit of tension in the air, the mother-in-law has clearly been on the gin as she asks me the same question 3 times. The mrs seems a bit stressed but pleased to see me. The grumpy one is…grumpy. Standard. He can’t even bring himself to grunt a ‘hello’.

I then realise I’m standing in front of them all with traces of sick on my trousers I make my excuses – ‘long day’, ‘bad journey’ etc and go upstairs, dirty trousers in the washing bin and then the mrs comes up and doesn’t stop talking.

I suggest the Site Team plays our Wildcard and then pass out.

Game-week 16
I’m feeling jaded after my trip to Surrey. It was a restless night. I don’t know how people go on the piss from one day to the next, my recovery time is getting longer and longer. I’m getting old.

I’m back at the library and should be working but am writing this! I need a replacement for Arnie – form and ownership says Wilson, fixtures says Mitrovic (no, not him again!), a mixture of the two says Jimenez (I only sold him last week!). I don’t really know the right answer. Bournemouth’s fixtures are not good at all, but his form is amazing. Are they fixture proof from an attacking sense? After all, I don’t care if they win or not, I just need them (him) to keep scoring if I buy him. I think he is probably the best bet – he has scored vs both the Mancs in recent weeks.

Given the state of my head, today is probably not the day to make such decisions – plus Arnie’s price dropped last night and Wilson rose so it’s unlikely they’ll move again pre-deadline.

I lose patience and buy Wilson.

I should add at this point that Wilson is one of my FPL nemeses. I had him last season and when he didn’t blank he got injured. I sold him and he scored. So, be warned.

It’s presser day and I’m back at the library. A neighbour of the inlaws (Dennis) walks in and we have a coffee. He’s a nice bloke. He tells me that he and his mrs have been invited over to ours on Saturday night.

The only real news for me from the pressers is that Foyth has done his hammy. Wonderful wildcard w***er. Him not me.

Later that day pre-dinner I say i bumped into Dennis at the library. It appears this is news to the inlaws. Lady Gin sent a text invite that was (allegedly) never replied to.Oh dear. This isn’t going to end well.

Grumpy doesn’t want them round. Lady Gin does. Grumpy is now shouting ‘well unvite them’ lol. You couldn’t make this 5h1t up.

Naturally I have to take part of the blame. Lady Gin comes out with, ‘What the hell goes on at that library. Weird.’ Idiot.

The mrs and I go to bed shortly after fish and chips. Grumpy is still ranting.

Saturday arrives. The early match is Bournemouth vs Liverpool or in my case Wilson vs TAA. Or not as it turns out. Wilson picked up a hamstring injury in midweek. I did warn you – this bloke and me do not get on. And to cap it all TAA is rested.

Brooks will come off my bench. As will Gunnarsson and Wan-Bissaka. What could possibly go wrong?

The customary ‘good luck’ message is relayed on site with no need of a moody ‘?’ message from Lord and Master Init.

A Salah hatty and Robertson assist punish myself and a whole host of recent sellers. At this stage I can quite confidently predict another red arrow. A big one.

My 3pm representatives are Fabianksi home to Wan-Bissake, Gunnarsson home to Saints and Captain Aubameyang home to Huddersfield.

I’m at soft play with the kids. The mrs is helping Lady Gin make a curry for tonight. Grumpy must have relented. Which means we’ll all suffer at some stage this weekend.

Palace score early. No Fab cs. Not fab. West Ham then score so that’s Wan-Bissaka’s cs gone too. Wunderbar.

A second half virtuoso performance from Felipe Anderson provides a modicum of relief. He scores, he assists, but only collects 2bps. I’ll take anything.

A late Aubayemang assist is scant relief. A 5pt capo is not great.

My City duo of Sterling and Sane do sweet f.a. at Chelsea and an Alonso cs and 2 Hazard assists plunge the knife in further.

Said knife is then twisted in the even later kick off as Kane is benched! What a week. A total of 4pts from Sterling, Kane, Sane and Fabianski make it a very depressing Saturday evening.

My 6pts off the bench from Gunnarsson, Brooks & Wan-Bissaka will look positively heroic come the end of this nightmare game-week.

Dennis and his good lady come round. She’s a scouser and they are top of the league and she takes great pleasure in telling me. Like I didn’t already know. She’s actually a nice lady apart from that.

The evening is a surprising success. No arguments, ok chat, the curry is great. It can be done.

Sunday – another depressing FPL day as Doherty scores late. What a waste this Wildcard was. The evening passed off quietly. That’s two in a row which makes me uncomfortable and a feeling of doom encompasses me for the days ahead.

Monday – I have my two Everton defenders left to play. At home to Watford. Going into the game my rank has dropped to 93,704. WTF? Coleman and Digne better do something special ce soir.

Hmmm. The match begins and Richarlison scores…another non-Cookie Monster but highly owned elsewhere player scoring. Rank drops further. I go downstairs to brave dinner. On my return I check on the final score – please please an Everton clean sheet. 2-2. What?? Then I see that Coleman scored an own goal. This is not happening. I scroll down to see that Digne scored a last minute equaliser and will grab 3bps.

What a bizarre match to end the most bizarrest of game-weeks.

I have scored 42pts. Salah captainers got that from him alone. A game-week rank of 4.5mln and down to 80,946 in total. I don’t even make the draw for the FPL Cup which doesn’t bother me to be honest.

Time to move on and put this sorry episode behind me! Remember – it’s only a game

Game-week 17
The positive news is we are going away for the weekend – across to South London to stay with friends. We cannot wait. As we leave at around 3.45pm on Friday the tension in the car has gone, we are free for 48 hours. We sing, we laugh, we play i-spy, life is good.

Rotation and injury hit me hard in GW17. I mean, I performed better than GW16, but that wasn’t difficult.

The team news saw Foyth & TAA and injured. One of them had to go but who to buy? I narrowed it down to Kolasinac or Doherty. Arsenal’s fixtures look great whereas Doherty’s are mixed – both are in decent form offensively. I choose Kolasinac. I sold TAA.

The early kick off saw City beat Everton 3-1 – Sane provideD two assists and Sterling scoreD off the bench so a good start, especially with City no keeping a clean sheet.

The afternoon matches were fairly dull for me – a late Captain Kane assist saved his and my blushes, Wan-Bissaka kept a clean sheet. Wilson was touch and go to play and ended up on the bench. Alongside Brooks. Wonderful. Wilson came off the bench for a 1pt cameo. Brooks didn’t. So I got to enjoy Gunnarsson’s 2pts. Riches indeed.

The evening match saw my two Hammers do my proud – an Anderson assist and Fabianski clean sheet boosted things somewhat and by the end of the day I had risen to 53k.

Even better we are bought a Chinese takeaway by our friends. A proper treat. There are some nice people still out there!

Sunday bloody Sunday. A Hazard goal and assist vs Brighton is going to hurt me. But it gets worse. Kolasinac, my TAA replacement, picked up an injury in training yesterday. Turd. FFS. Then worse still – Aubayemang does nothing vs Southampton.

Then we have to leave for the journey back to hell.

Things go downhill further as United lose at Liverpool. Then yep you’ve guessed it worse still – there is a car fire on the M4, we have to divert via Brentford and then as we rejoin the M4 it starts raining. Like proper raining. Sideways rain, spray, not lights on the road.

Can you believe it got worse still? Believe it. When we get back to the inlaws at 6pm ish they are hammered. And aggressive and argumentative. Nightmare day.

I finish the week on 55pts vs an average of 43 but my rise is reduced to just 9k places as I now stand at 71,055.

Time to put this baby to bed. Soon be Christmas!

Game-week 18
Monday sees some positive developments in our life. We are offered a property a few miles outside of Bath for a very decent rental price. We arrange a viewing for the next day. They want us in by Friday if possible. WOW. There is a god. This place will be a complete 5h1thole for me not to accept it.

Tuesday arrives, I’m buzzing. I tell one of the milfs, (sorry, mums) that we are off to see a house. Then my world caves in. I get a text from the agent saying the viewing is postponed. They made a mistake and the property is no longer available. I could cry. I don’t, but I seriously could. Another dagger in my heart. I’m bored of this 5hit. I just want to get my kids out of this living hell, but I can’t yet. I thought we were just days away. We’re not. Sorry to depress you, especially at Christmas!!

I’ll be honest I take a few days off site – I can’t focus on much except trying to get the family their own roof. Life is tough in the UK now and it’s certainly not helping us. For example, my wife can’t even claim Child Benefit as we’ve not been in the country for 3 months.

I log in to FPL to see Foyth, Kolasinac, Wilson and Kane all yellow flagged. Hahaha what the hell! Jose has been sacked from United but sadly hasn’t taken Pogba with him.

Back to the day job and I’m talking to estate agents, local authorities, anyone to see what is available to us. The problem is the end of Monaco has killed us financially and we are literally starting again. With 3 young kids. Not ideal. Excuse me for being so open but it’s quite therapeutic to share.

In the meantime the pressure intensifies at Chez Hell – they really don’t like me, they blame me for putting the family in the situation. I’ve been called a parasite and an Essex slimeball, which actually made me chuckle. It appears that they actually hate everyone. Quite bizarre.

There was a positive development this week and it came from a most unexpected source. The dentist. I hate going to the dentist, always have done. So much so that this is my first visit in 8 years. Anyway, to cut a long story short, my dentist is young and blonde (and female!) and fit! From a family check up just one of out five needs to go back – yep, you’ve guessed it! Happy days

Back to FPL and presser news. Foyth should be ok. Wilson is fine. The problem is Kolasinac – Ben Dinnery rules him out. I’m thinking of replacing him with Doherty or Monreal. A couple of learned friends on site suggest Doherty, despite him playing Liverpool this week. It probably makes sense.

Then Emery announces Kola should be ok Hmmm. Home to Burnley should be a nailed on clean sheet, even for the Gooners.

I reject the advice and keep Kola, hold my transfer and captain Sterling who is at home to Palace.

Its a Friday deadline which I still can’t work out if I like or not.

I wish Sir good luck. He acknowledges. Might have to have ‘Good luck everyone’ on my tombstone just to please the fcker 😉

Well, I don’t like this one! Salah scores and assist, Van Dick scores and Robbo keeps another clean sheet. Selling Salah and Robbo when I wildcarded recently has been nothing ahort of a disaster.

So with no representation in this match my weekly rank is 5.4mln going into Saturday’s 8 matches

The early kick off sees Kola announced in the starting XI. Get in. Even better when he assists Aubameyang early on. Get in. Auba scores again in the 2nd half. Get in. Then the usual idiots concede to spoil ‘Kola’s nailed on clean sheet’. Still 3bps for Auba and 1 for Kola pegs back some of the deficit from not having Salah & co.

The 3pm matches are a mixed bag. Captain Sterling and Sane do nothing in a surprise defeat to Palace. My West Ham duo fare similarly at home to Watford. Wilson continues the trend home to Brighton but his mate Brooks surprisingly comes up trumps scoring a brace and nicking maximum bps. All in all its ok, 46pts doesn’t sound great but it seems many have had shockers today, especially those with no Aubameyang.

Some more good news. Lady Gin has laryngitis and can hardly speak. There is a God. Like any good and loving son-in-law I take this opportunity to encourage conversation in the hope we can stretch this baby out for as long as possible.
It makes for a very quiet dinner and the moment I finish the last meatball one of the twins wakes up. That’s my girl!!

So here I am, writing this in peace and quiet, having a cuddle with one of my girls.

All in all its been a good day. Tomorrow sees the final game of the week as my Digne takes on my Foyth & Kane.

Foyth was benched. So Coleman comes off my bench alongside Digne vs Kane. Kane wins hands dowm, scoring twice in a 15pt haul which sees Digne & Coleman score -1 apiece. Losers.

I end on 59pts and a small green arrow to a rank of 65,795. I’ll take it.

I’m mulling bringing Rashford in for Wilson and possibly Doherty in for Foyth. Will sleep on it.

Been round to friend’s of the outlaws for Chrimbo drinks this afternoon. Lady Gin is hammered, she was downing glasses of white quicker than Spurs were scoring at Everton.

Oh well, soon be Christmas.

Have a great time one and all and here’s to a happier diary in 2019

Thanks for reading Fantasy Football Diary – Game-weeks 13-18. This article was written by Cookie

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