OddDane’s Pre-Season Observations

Welcome to OddDane’s Pre-Season Observations.

Usually I stick to the typical Tips or Captain Picks articles but I got a little stir crazy looking at all the millions of drafts and so I started to wonder and write… which turned into a personal rant and rave about pretty much all the picks in this maddening fantasy game we call fun! I mentioned this madness to the other writers in the FF247 offices and for some reason they thought it would make for an article! Well… here is the result!

The following will be some great tips for you lot, collated from some solid shithousery found on the webbyweb detailing, thoroughly, why every player you pick is just downright awful! Let’s start, shall we?

Gunners:

Goalie: You’re not considering an Arsenal spot in goal are you? Unless it’s Turner and he’s sold, even then he’s a woeful pick (See also Nottingham).

Saliba/White – £40m was spent on a piece of Timber, and you are considering one of these guys? Get out. Now!

Zinchenko: Unless you are running a medical ward, you are looking in the wrong place fella.

Gabriel: I would’ve thought by now you were looking elsewhere but a midfield guarded by the Dukes of Havertz will not bring you any clean sheets mate. Move along.

Saka: The poor lad will need to run up and down the right wing 38x100mins only to see the likes of Kai, Leandro, the Martins (yes, in plural) and Jesus shoot balls out of stadiums. Be real folks, no one wants to see that.

Odegaard: AKA Martin, the one shooting balls out the Arsenal. Remember? I just said it.

Martinelli: Trossard is there.

Trossard: Martinelli is there.

Jesus: I feel like we covered this already…

Villains:

Martinez: New time-wasting rules will see this bloke out before the first half whistle. Heard of Olsen? Haha! Yeah well, there’s a reason why not…

Mings: Pau says hello.

Diaby: See Saka note but replace with Bailey, Bailey, Bailey and the rest of the lot.

Cash: Hint, the name is ironic. This is a quick way to pay Pounds for Lira.

Watkins: Take him for the pens. They’re literally a penalty for his points.

Bees:

Flekken: Excellent pick! Has conceded goals like there is no tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong here?

Mee: You are only getting him to play around with his name. Stop it! It is not funny. Mee no likey!

Mbeumo: Seems like a solid pick, right? Everyone and his dog are touting him as a pick. Alas, you wake up and realise he isn’t a gambling Toney and it is still Brentford.

Wissa: See above.

Bournemouth:

Bwahahaha, you’re going here? Stop yourself, before you hurt yourself and get Outtara here before you can say Solanke.

Silly Seagulls galore:

Steele: Verbruggen says hello, and the No. 1 shirt says goodbye. So does Caicedo, which means goals will be plenty… for the other team.

Estupinan: You pick defenders for clean sheets. He ain’t getting them. You dimwit.

Mitoma: Get a mimosa and look elsewhere. Still not convinced? See notes on Diaby. Replace Bailey with literally EVERY SINGLE one of them

Kudus/Enciso/Groß/March/Ferguson/Pedro/Welbeck/Undav/Adingra/Bouna…something: There’s only one good pick here. It’s Undav, he is off to Germany.

Clarets:

Unless Kompany decides to play again you need to stay clear of this team. Even so, he’s not renowned for scoring so the best he’s going to get you is a draw as whilst they sure as hell can’t score I’m sure some dimwit will pass it back for an own goal. Why? Because you picked a Claret, you damn fool.

Nott’m Forest:

Might as well be Nothingham this lot. That’s how many points they’ll get you anyway.

Sheffield United:

You will get more own goals than anything else, be my guest. You’ll never learn anyway.

Spurs:

Maddison: It would be fun to see Spurs relegated too, so maybe this is the pick for you after all. He’ll be injured though and they’ll stay up, so it’s you losing out mostly. Oh, and Maddison.

Son: No. But an expensive no, nonetheless. I’ll give you that.

Richarlison: He’ll score, take his shirt off and get carded. But as he lives offside the goal will be VAR’ed off and yet he’ll somehow still keep his yellow cards.

Kane: If he isn’t leaving then he’s still in a team called Spurs.

Hammers:

Areola: Unless this is so you can explain why ‘Areola and fries’ is a fun pun for a team name this is just dumb. In fact, either way you are. It’s spelled Aiola.

Fabianski: You are not running a senior housing project, are you? Stop it.

Wolves:

They are selling their players, not buying. Are you the idiot buying them? Good grief…

Chelsea:

Kepa: They bought Sanchez and an entire kindergarten to play in front of him. It is safe to say they don’t know jack about this position. Or any other one, for that matter.

James/Chilwell: If you’re a glass salesman then these are just excellent for your front window to showcase. But you’re not, are you? Move along.

Nkunku: This might be…. Oh, oops. There he goes. Injured. Of course, he is. It’s your fault for bringing him in your team, you jerk.

Nicolas Jackson: We have covered these wingers already. But you seriously think these kindergarters will score, don’t you? I can’t help you.

Eagles:

Eze: Unless he gets 200 penalties how is going to get points? You seriously think the likes of Edouard, Ayew and Mateta will put them away? Remember, own goals don’t count.

Fly, fly away. And quick!

Everton:

Pickford: The team who just got Ashley Young and now have Tarkowski injured? Yeah, that’s going to go down well. Heard of anti-fpl? Too bad, because you’re playing it brilliantly!

DCL: This would be a great pick. If you’re running a modelling agency for 90’s second hand clothes, that is.

Fulham:

Mitro: With a bit of luck he’ll be off to a warmer climate where he’ll be scoring goals. Maybe if you tried another fantasy game he’d be good for you? This one sure as hell isn’t it!

Leno: Oh, for the love of… Will you stop bothering me? If you insist on these idiot picks I… well I can’t do much about it can I? He’ll make a ton of saves for you so that’s good, but it’s because there’s no defence and he’s already conceded 4 goals. That’s not so good.

Liverpool:

Alisson: He is a brilliant keeper! No really, he genuinely is! His defence definitely is not though. Even if he miraculously saves all the shots, Gomez will swoop in and score an own goal, or injure him. Probably both actually. In 90’ + 8’ over time.

Trent: Did you see the price tag on this one? They thought he’d be midfielder but forgot to tell the developers that. Only good thing I can say is he probably won’t play with Gomez.

Salah: He’s wide and passing to a donkey and a Dutch winger thinking he is Zlatan. They wouldn’t know a goal between them if it smacked them in the foreheads. Also, they want you to pay 12.5m to watch this spectacle? I say no, thank you!

MacAllister: This fella will be playing CB, DM, CM, LB, RB and GK trying to save these defensive shambles from disaster. However, there’s no saving this lot, and he only gets a single point for clean sheets even if he were to pull it off. I’m thinking he does it once! Enjoy your one and only point this season.

Diaz/Jota/Darwin/Gakpo: This is the donkey and the wannabe Zlatan I told you about. Plus some extras. Enjoy!

Luton:

…These guys don’t even have a stadium to play on. Be real.

Man City:

Ederson: He was meant to keep the clean sheets last season and he didn’t. Well, it’s the same lot defending and he still costs a fortune. But you know, cool tats and all that. Maybe Pep will scream his lungs out at him again, that might do… something. It won’t be clean sheets though.

Any player not named Haaland: HAHAHAHAHA you crack me up!

Haaland: This game is about picking him and 14 others, so everybody will have him. Yawn.

Red devils:

Onana: He will play so high up the field that you’ll think he’s Lukaku. But it’s not that team and yet he’ll be scoring like him, none. Others will score though, as it’ll be Maguire or some other poor schmuck who will have to do the goalkeeping…he’s already been lobbed for coming off his line twice!

Shaw: Another poor schmuck doing the goalkeeping.

Rashford: They’ll have a new striker so at least he won’t be the only one scoring. Unfortunately, he won’t be scoring as a winger either. Nice try, you’re out almost ten million. At least it was only nine…

Martial: Visit the nearest hospital/restitution clinic and you’ll know why this isn’t a good idea.

Fernandes: Who is he going to pass to? Højlund? Great, but there’s four defenders on him because he’s their only would-be goalscorer. So instead Bruno will pass it to Mount, who’ll fall or trip on the ball and the other team will shoot it long past Onana who’s at the centre circle to score. It’s 0-10 now, but at least midfielders won’t get deductions from goals conceded.

Højlund: Did you not just read what I wrote? Anyway, he’s also injured…

Newcastle:

Pope – He is 5.5 and teeing off against City, Pool, Seagulls, Villains and Bees and you think this is the way to get clean sheets? God have mercy on your sweet soul, life is going to be tough for you.

Trippier: Newcastle were desperate enough to cash out £40m on a replacement who’s been injured for what feels like a year and yet Trip is somehow still coming with a 6.5 price tag. We already covered his likelihood of getting clean sheets. Good luck.

Isak: Wilson is playing up front, so there’s that. What have I said about wingers thus far…

Wilson: Spaghettis for legs and glass for knees. He’ll score when you don’t have him or from your bench and run off injured at 58’ when you start the lad.

There, that does it, I’ve had enough. The rest of the lot did not even merit a mention and are just terrible. Well, that is all. Hope you have a bad season and an even worse day.

Good day sir, I said GOOD DAY!

Thanks for reading OddDane’s Pre-Season Observations. This article was written by OddDane.

Follow @FantasyFooty247

FPL FIXTURE TRACKER

Both leagues will be shut to new entrants as of 01/01/24.