Captains Picks Fantasy Football Gameweek 35

Captains Picks Fantasy Football Gameweek 35 – Fantasy Premier League 2014/15

Has it really been a month? Did I really lose the Post-It note? Did I really wait until the last minute to write this introduction? Yes, maybe, and of course not! It would be incredibly irresponsible to put off writing the introduction until after you’ve received several messages wondering where this article is. And who would publicly admit to doing such a mad thing? Certainly not me. Nope. I sat down and began the laborious write and re-write process (so many empty red pens!) for this introduction shortly after submitting my last captain article. No sense in waiting until the last minute. That’s the kind of thing which produces a rambling, nonsensical opening that results in the reader abandoning the introduction and going straight to the meat of the article, assuming he or she is not a vegetarian.

And with that kind of momentum, let’s take a look at the matches we have to work with this week:

Fixtures for GW35

Saturday
Leicester vs Newcastle
Aston Villa vs Everton
Liverpool vs QPR
Sunderland vs Southampton
Swansea vs Stoke
West Ham vs Burnley
Man Utd vs West Brom

Sunday
Chelsea vs Crystal Palace
Spurs vs Man City

Monday
Hull vs Arsenal

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[/three_fourth]5. Christian Benteke home vs Everton

What can we say about Christian Benteke? Boring, boring Benteke. His name is hard to work into a movie title, and it’s hard to rhyme Benteke or work his name into a song. Unfortunately, he’s playing some great football right now so we have to include him here. Substance over style, and all that.

He’s the most in-form striker in the game (8 goals in his last 7 games) and is still reasonably priced at just £7.5 million ($11.42m if you’re buying him in the United States). Everton will be up for it after shutting out United, but we expect the big Belgian to produce nonetheless.

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[/three_fourth]4. (tie) “Sterlin’ Goodbye” by the Bee Gees

Raheem Sterling home vs QPR

Well now, my hair goes low and it goes high,
and if I can’t get styled, I really cry.
Got the hopes of ‘pool fans on my shoes.
I’m a scorin’ man but we just lose.
Kop knows it’s all right. It’s OK.
We’ll try to bid for Benteke.
We can try to understand
Sterling’s crazy wage demands.

Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
you’re sayin’ goodbye, to Sterlin’ goodbye.
Title hopes are breakin’, a transfer he is weighin’,
and we’re sayin’ goodbye, to Sterlin’ goodbye.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, sayin’ goodbye, to Sterlin’ goodbye.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, sayin’ goodbye.

Liverpool have been awful of late and Sterling has been no different. Enter QPR. There is no team in the league with a worse away record than QPR, who has a -19 goal differential when playing on the road. Sturridge is still dead out, so the offense should continue to focus on Sterling.

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[/three_fourth]“Siggy’s Alive”

Gylfi Sigurdsson home vs Stoke

Well now, my form runs low and it runs high,
and if I don’t get injured, I really fly.
Got the hopes of Swans fans on my shoes.
I’m a scorin’ man but we just lose.
You know it’s all right. It’s OK.
We just signed up Bafetimbi
We can try to understand
Why Stoke just don’t disband.

 

Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
hey Siggy’s alive! Siggy’s alive!
Dismiss the speculatin’, they’ll be no relegatin’,
cause Siggy’s alive! Siggy’s alive!
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Siggy’s alive! Siggy’s alive!
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Siggy’s alive!

There may not be another player in the Premier League that runs as hot/cold as our eighth-favorite Icelandic footballer. When he’s in good form he’s scoring goals and dishing up assists; when he’s cold he may not make the captain’s article for months. With a goal and an assist last weekend against Newcastle we think it may be time to consider bringing the Hafnarfjorour native back into your team.

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[/three_fourth]3. “(I Kun’t Get No) First Place Action” by the Rolling Stones

Sergio Aguero away vs Spurs

I Kun’t get no first place action
I Kun’t get no first place action
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I Kun’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m drivin’ in my car
And the boss comes in the stadio
He’s losin’ it more and more
About some useless formation
Supposed to drive a title inspiration

 

I Kun’t get no, oh no, no, no
A hey, hey, hey, that’s how I play

I Kun’t get no first place action
I Kun’t get no first place action
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I Kun’t get no, I can’t get no

Sergio Aguero. Any write-up could begin and end right there. Has there been a captain’s article written this year that didn’t include his name? After a brief dip in form Aguero has scored four goals in his last three matches. Put the armband on Aguero and more times than not he will deliver.

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[/three_fourth]2. “Giroud Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC

Olivier Giroud away vs Hull

He is a fast Frenchie, he keeps his hair cut clean
He is the best damn striker we’ve had since Persie
He has those dreamy eyes, tellin’ me no lies
Knockin’ me out with his left-footed strikes

 

 

Playin’ more than his share, opponents fightin’ for air
Wenger told him to score but he was already there
‘Cause the crowd was shakin’, the Emirates was quakin’
FA Cup is waitin’, and we are takin’ it

And Giroud shook me all night long
Yeah, Giroud shook me all night long

After scoring seven goals in six weeks the Frenchman has failed to score in his last two. Fear not, a trip to K.C. Stadium should be all Giroud needs to rediscover his scoring touch.

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[/three_fourth]1. “Football Wizard” by the Who

Eden Hazard home vs Crystal Palace

Ever since I was a young boy
I’ve played the soccer ball
From Soho down to the Bridge
I must have kicked them all

But I ain’t seen nothing like him
In any a sporting hall
That deft, damn Belgian kid
Sure kicks a mean football

He stands like a statue
Becomes part of the pitch scene
Seeing all the angels
Always passes clean

Plays by intuition
The opposition falls
That daft, damn Belgian kid
Sure kicks a mean football

He is a football wizard
There has to be a twist
This football Hazard’s
Got such a super kick

The obvious choice for captain, Hazard has been every bit as dependable as Aguero this season. He a constant threat to score and, with Chelsea currently facing a striker shortage, Hazard’s playing an increased role in the offense. Captain him, put your feet up on the desk and stare at your picture of Prince Albert II. You’re all set.

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[/three_fourth]One Week Punt:

“Won’t Get Roo’d Again” by the Who

Wayne Rooney home vs West Brom

Roo
Roo’s Next
Won’t Get Roo’d Again
He’ll be fighting with his cleats
With his hair plugs at his feet

 

And the trophies that they worship will be gone
And the coach who spurred him on
The formation never caught on
Glazers decide while Chelsea’s singing the song

I’ll tip my hat to his hair transplantation
Take a bow to his improved distribution
Smile and grin at the hair all around
Pick up my football and play
Just like yesterday
Then I’ll get on my knees and pray
We don’t get Roo’d again
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

After a tough run that’s seen United play City, Chelsea and Everton, the schedule becomes a little easier for the Reds. We expect Rooney to take out his frustration on a West Brom side that’s won just three times away from home this season.

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[/three_fourth]Just for Fun: (i.e., don’t bring him into your team)

“Sweet Dieg O’ Mine” by Guns n Roses

Diego Costa home vs Palace

He’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood nightmare scenes
Where everything was as feared
As the clown Pennywise

Now and then when I see his face
It takes me away to a haunted place
And if I stare too long
I’ll have a mental break and die

Woah, oh, oh, sweet Dieg o’ mine
Woah, oh, oh, oh, sweet Dieg o’ mine

He’s got lies in his demon’s eyes
As if fuelled by butane
He looks into opponents eyes
And feeds upon their pain

His hair reminds me of a cold dark place
Where opponents try to hide
And pray for the elbows
And the kicks to quietly pass them by

Woah, oh, sweet Dieg o’ mine
Woah, oh, oh, oh, sweet Dieg o’ mine

Thanks for reading Captain’s Picks Fantasy Football Gameweek 35. This article was written by Lawdogg

Follow @PlanoGooner

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Don’t forget to vote in this week’s Captain Poll

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